TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxury real estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Sure, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are speaking Damascus, town historically recognized for historic culture, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It'll be tremendous. Great!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed in the putting inexperienced inside of Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have had lovely ceasefires in Syria. Many of the finest. But now, we are building them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and entirely from put. Intended by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable water. But Sure, absolutely sure, let's have A further position the place American Males can dress in robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international plan analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace endeavor considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst previous negotiations failed beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: give Anyone a set on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with files published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is comfortable power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a deal in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock needs much less diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms set up in Just about every unit. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It isn't that Trump should not open up a tower in a very war zone. It can be that he must quit using it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked concerning the challenge, replied, "You recognize, man, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent people. Good tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." Trump Tower Damascus The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of your Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the hotel's landscaping forms an enormous Trump head obvious from space, a element remaining marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents and also the chin is… properly, categorised.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits just after discovering the developing's gold plating mirrored a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.


"It is really not only ugly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Bewildering Features


Probably the strangest component of the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium wherever attendees could ponder vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with local weather Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Community Syrians are Uncertain what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-yr-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Tactic: "Should you Bomb It, They Will Occur"


The ad marketing campaign, just lately leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is For good."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "the place's the nearest elevator into the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The challenge is now attracting interest from Global buyers, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll purchase three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial amount may also include things like:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Determined by the Iraq War





Remark Area Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait to see a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a lodge the place my PTSD may have turn-down provider."


A further put up from @KuwaitiKardashian merely requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Studies advise:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to make a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Closing Views from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It essential gold. It necessary a waterslide formed much like the Structure. I gave all of it 3. You're welcome."

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